Like so many things today, the ability to access abortion services has been hijacked by both the right and the left. Many politicians who don’t actually care one way or the other about you or what rights you have, use the abortion issue as a voting platform and, yes, both sides do this. 

Many activists are simply driven by the platform for a spotlight.  Others act on sheer emotion and get caught up in the fast moving current they were sucked into, not considering the position of anyone else but merely themselves and those who are willing to jump on the boat with them end up doing more harm than good by creating a divide in society.

Too many are speaking from emotion without experience. Indeed, in my opinion, the ones that should be yelling the loudest are those who have actually had an abortion. Let the ones who haven’t be silent on both sides. Since I qualify, I feel that I have the right to put in my thoughts and share why I am “Pro Choice”.

When I had my abortion, I wasn’t who I am today. In fact, I look back at that girl, and I don’t even know who she was. I have great sympathy for her now and even compassion and understanding.  I am almost assured that had that young, troubled woman been given all the information on abortion, or been spoken a word of hope that life was not going to stay as messed up as it was, she would have made a choice,  but not the one that was made for her by a driven agenda not taking her into consideration.

It was the most vulnerable time of my life. I’d come from a troubled home where love was sparsely, if ever, shown.  I was an alcoholic by the time I was 16, married and widowed by the middle of my 18^th year, and so terribly alone and lonely, even though others surrounded me.

Self-sabotage and self-destruction, which were learned behaviors at a young age, became worse. I was looking for something and had absolutely no idea what it looked like or how to find it, but I kept searching the only way I knew how, only to find myself pregnant at 19.  

If I was looking for support from someone, anyone, to give me a choice on what to do, I wasn’t going to find it. I’m not referring to “a choice” that I have heard Christians who support abortion say….they say, “it’s not about abortion, it’s about choice.”  That confuses me more than I can say. Because, from my experience, it was never about choice, but it was about abortion. It was the thing to be done, period.    

I was never counseled, not by those who I had wanted to protect me, not by the social justice warriors of the time, and not by the abortion clinic that performed my abortion, that I indeed had a choice. Adoption was an option that was silenced. Standing up, pulling myself together, looking life in the eyes and being an adult, and facing the situation was never mentioned by anyone I sought advice from. The truth was, I was seeking for something else, a glimmer of hope, a choice other than what was being laid out for me. No one ever said, “this will get better. It will become clearer as the shock calms down.” “What you do today will be with you forever.”  No, those were not choices to consider.

Not one person ever warned me that one day, I would have to face the thing I was about to do. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not even years from that moment, but I would eventually, with most certainty, have to come to terms with it. Oh I longed for a voice that would share hope with me, to my baby. There was no voice, no choice.

So, if you are out there considering an abortion, let me be that voice for you. YOU HAVE A CHOICE! You have lots of choices; abortion is not the only choice. Abortion does not end when you get off of the clinic’s table.  Abortion will be with you forever, in some form or another.  Abortion is a big deal, it is not just a procedure that, when done, you will be able to forget.  Abortion, most likely, will affect you throughout your entire life, in different stages and different ways.  Emotionally,  physically, spiritually, or psychologically or a combination of all these.  

If you are out there fighting for what you believe to be a right, and that is easy access to abortion, let me be that voice that says to you, are you prepared to give advice that the abortion will affect that young woman’s life forever? If you are a mother fighting for your daughter to be able to make that “choice” about her body, have you taken time to see what has happened to other mothers’ daughters years after an abortion?

For those of you who claim abortion is justified in the event of rape, let me assure you, if you have never laid on that table and had a child removed from your womb, the act of abortion is just as violent, if not more so to that woman. Why? Because she has been told abortion is a choice, when really what is meant to be said is, “it’s the only choice we are pushing for.” No woman would ever choose to be raped, violated in her most inner of being.

If you truly want to empower these women, most often young and under great amounts of stress and often feeling that there is no other choice, then truly give them a choice. Don’t encourage them to act upon what feels overwhelming. Help them to understand that choice is seldom without consequence. If you truly have compassion for them and are truly concerned only for them and their future, take time to consider what the consequence will someday be and help them to consider so that they have full power to make a good choice.

For me, if I would have known then what I know now, I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this. I would instead be writing a letter to my child, who would be well over 30 years of age. I would be telling them how much I loved them, that they were worth everything I went through, that though I had fears and often felt it was just them and I against the world, that I never once regretted my choice to bring them into this world. But, sadly, that is not what I write.

For the first 20 years after my abortion, it was no more than a mere regret. That day that years later would so vividly live in my memory was something I seldom thought of those first two decades, and when I did, it, of course, was with a twinge of pain. I suppose my protective mode kicked in and I disconnected from it and turned off those memories and emotions. I did my part as a good Christian. When the conversation of abortion would come up, I would speak against it, even volunteering at Crisis Pregnancy centers, but outside of that, my own personal experience never really surfaced until 20 years later, and I was pregnant with my 3^rd (technically 4^th) child. All of the suppressed pain and bitterness at myself and those who did not protect me at the time I needed them to, started to manifest itself. It took over 5 years to work through it, and they were painfully tormented years. I entered into a clinical depression, my marriage had never been on shakier ground, and my guilt was unbearable. I couldn’t discuss abortion without breaking down in uncontrollable sobs. 

A time that was supposed to be joyous with anticipation for our 3^rd child was a time of torment every time I would feel life inside me.

My facing my abortion 20 years after the fact was not anything I had ever imagined. I truly thought it was all in the past. My marriage was strong. We had 2 children that were the joy and pride of our life and a 3rd on the way. My faith was grounded, but all of a sudden, I found myself facing a fury of uncontrollable emotions that took me literally by surprise.

To say I was confused about why it took so long to surface may be a bit of an understatement, but I know now that it is actually very common for women who have had abortions not to deal with it until years later. It is also common for women who have had abortions to have depression, suicidal thoughts, increased failed relationships, increase breast cancers, inability to become pregnant later in life, emotional scarring, and self-loathing, simply.  This list is not complete.

I was not a Christian when I had my abortion. I didn’t become a Christian until 4 years after. But I didn’t just become a Christian, I have a relationship with God. And because of that relationship, I understand that I am uniquely and wonderfully made, and so was my baby. I know from the Word of God that he designed each of us, and he knew us before the worlds were formed. I also know that he has a plan for each of us, should we choose to live for him.

It does not matter how a child is conceived, no, it does not matter, even in rape which is a violent, vial act that is not of God but is of sin, but despite that, that child conceived still has a purpose. God can, when given the chance, take what was meant for harm and turn it into good. If you are a Christian and consider abortion an option, I pray you will reconsider your view by getting into the Word of God and looking at him as Creator and see that each life is precious to him. Open your mind and heart to him and see that there are truly many choices to offer these young, and sometimes not-so-young women other than the “choice” of abortion.

If you are someone who is on the right of this issue, fighting for the lives of the unborn, keep up the fight. But please consider one thing, the majority of women going into those clinics are not the enemy, they are also a victim. I know there are some women who go in and are happy about their so-called choice, but to be so cold is telling in itself. But, the majority of the women who walk in there are under great stress, feeling hopeless, worthless, and vulnerable. Many, such as I did, shut down their emotions because they feel they have no choice. They would rather be anywhere but there. They may walk in there, but inside they are running in the opposite direction.

I don’t remember much about that day, but what I do remember is like it were yesterday, clear and vivid.  The drive from the road to the parking lot, from the car to the doors. I remember the coldness of the doctor as I lay on that table, wanting more than anything to be anywhere but there. I remember laying there feeling like I was dying inside. I remember praying to God to help me, to please let me think of anything other than what was happening because I couldn’t leave, where would I run to? I remember asking my baby to please understand that I didn’t know what else to do and that it wasn’t what I wanted.  I had no choice, or so I was led to believe. For years, the inner safety mechanism that protects people from traumatic events protected me from that day, but eventually, I had to come to terms with the day that changed me forever.

Know, dear girl, you do have a choice. Find someone who will let you know that there is more than one choice, not just for your baby but for you too. Someone that will be honest with you about what happens after, because an abortion is never done, it will forever be with you.

Remember, you matter as much as your baby, and know that it is okay to know that your baby matters as much to you.

Liyah